The Arizona T.V. Survey Man

I'm at Sarah's apartment, having just finished my dinner, which sounds more like a breakfast because I had a big bowl of granola, soy milk, yogurt, banana and pear. The phone rang mid-meal, and after I answered, "Hello, this is Sarah's Apartment" a voice came on the line, a familiar voice of a survey person trying to sound all cheery and enticing all at once to get your attention before you hang up on them. For some reason I stayed on line. This cheery fellow, with a southern style drawl, was doing a survey on television habits of Canadians. I started off with, "I don't watch T.V." "What? Really?.... You don't turn the T.V. on?" "No, I don't own a television." "What? Really?" "Nope." "Well, do you ever watch television outside of your home, like at a bar?" "Nope." "Don't you ever watch the news??" [The questions are being asked in an ever increasing I-can't-believe-what-I'm-hearing style.] "Nope." "Golly!!...... How do you live without the news!?!?" "I listen to the national radio, I read the paper, and I use the internet." "Wow. I've never.... You're the first person I've come across that doesn't watch T.V.!" "Really, where are you calling from?" "Arizona." "Hmm... I'm not so sure I'll be useful for your television habits survey." "Well, I can ask you the first three questions, but that's it, really. And, I already know the first two answers." "Okay, hit me." "Uh, well, do you have a subscription to satellite television?" "Nope." "Do you have a local cable subscription?" "Nope." "Please select which option fits the total income of your household: Under $50,000 per yea--" "Yep, that's me." (I didn't tell him I don't have a job either for fear of permanently damaging this poor guy.) "Well, okay, that's it. Thanks for being so pleasant, and you have yourself a lovely evening. And, I swear, as Chris Cotter, that I have never met anyone who doesn't watch T.V." [Again, for emphasis, this was said in the most countrified and sweet southern accent.] "Thanks, Chris, you have yourself a lovely evening too."